I have a very hard time seeing any value in myself. I think that people love me and like having me around, but what I see when I look at myself is a needy, unattractive, disorganized, worthless failure. I fail my friends often but rely on them too much for my security. I'm also the regular debbie downer because I'm usually the first one to leave any kind of activity or hang-out because I'm not a night person. I eat when I'm upset/tired/stressed and have a hard time motivating myself to exercise. I struggle to put myself together beyond wearing jeans and a t-shirt every day. I waste too much time watching Netflix or browsing Facebook, Instagram, and Pinterest. I struggle with budgeting my money well, and I've got way too much stuff in my apartment (and at my parents' house). I have a very easy life, but I just can't seem to get it together. The talents that I do have frequently go unused since I'm too lazy to discipline myself with my time. I chase after sin and idols and leave my Bible to collect dust on my nightstand, only picking it up to go to church two times a week. I go to church and know all the right answers, but dang it! I just can't (or won't) apply truth to my life and let it transform me. I am a mess.
I don't say any of that to garner your pity. I just need you to see that when I look at myself, I see negatives.
I see all the ugliness, all the broken parts, and I often believe the lie from Satan that those broken parts are all that there is, and they will never be fixed. Like I said in my last blogpost (which, shockingly, was less than a week ago), my life seems like a perpetual struggle.
I can hear some of my friends now: "Even if some or all of those things are true, there are also a lot of good things about you." And that's true. I have good qualities, and I do some good things.
I have a winsome personality and a good sense of humor. I have pretty brown eyes, and I've been told that my curly hair is fantastic. As much as I avoid exercise, I'm a natural athlete, and I can easily run two miles after weeks of not running. I connect really well with students, both the middle schoolers that I teach and the high schoolers at church that I hang out with and mentor. I love giving things to the people I care about, whether it's a cup of their favorite coffee drink or something bigger. I'm involved in two small groups and volunteer with my church's high school youth group. I make friends easily and love investing in both new and old friendships.
Those are all good things. I don't say any of that to brag about myself. I say those things because, as much as I forget it, there are positive characteristics about me that I can be grateful for. But if I'm looking to the good things about me for solace about my failings and brokenness, I'm looking in the wrong place.
The problem with both of those lists is that both of them are entirely about me. As long as I'm continually looking at myself, my spiritual growth will be crippled. Thinking about myself is not what will transform me and redeem my sin and brokenness.
What will transform me - what can transform anyone and anything - is the gospel. I can't heal or redeem myself, but God can, and He will. God says that He will complete the work that He began in me. Regardless of my successes and failures, God is doing a transforming work of grace in my heart and life.
And ultimately, just like I can't transform myself into something better, someone holier, I can't give myself an identity either. I don't have the final word on who I am or what value I hold. My failings don't determine who I am, and neither do my victories. The One who created me and redeemed me determines both my identity and my value.
That is good news. Because despite my rebellion, God calls me His precious child; despite my steady failures, God calls me holy and beloved. That is my identity. Not only that, but the value that God has set on my life is the blood of Jesus, which is of infinite worth.
No matter what I do, no matter what I feel or think, that is who I am. None of the ugly things about me can take away from that, and none of the good things about me can add to that.
I am His. That's who I really am. And that's what brings change - He changes me by first changing who I am, by calling me His own.
See what kind of love the Father has given to us, that we should be called children of God; and so we are. The reason why the world does not know us is that it did not know Him. Beloved, we are God's children now, and what we will be has not yet appeared; but we know that when He appears we shall be like Him, because we shall see Him as He is. And everyone who thus hopes in Him purifies himself as He is pure. (1 John 3:1-3)
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