The Year of the Marathon: Becoming Who I Am

Way back in March, I set out to run a marathon. I had thirty-seven weeks of training mapped out and brand new running shoes to go with it. So I began my training. I was determined to run those 26.2 miles, and I made good progress at the beginning. I reached the point where running three miles was like nothing, and I actually reached seven miles by the end of April. Maybe for some people that isn't a big deal, but for someone like me who struggled to run one mile back in January, that was a big deal. I realized that I could do this thing - this marathon thing. I would do it.

Then, in May, I developed tendinitis in my right foot. Bummer. Big bummer. It put my training on hold, and, as eager as I was to get back into things, healing fully took longer than I anticipated. I tried to go on runs, but the pain of it pierced my foot, and I hesitated to keep running because I didn't want to prolong the injury.

So, it took about two full months for the tendinitis to heal. At the beginning of August, I was ready to run again.

Enter first-year teaching job.

All of a sudden, syllabi and curricula and weekly lesson plans bombarded and overwhelmed me, and I realized that you will never understand the exhaustion and time demands of being a teacher, particularly a first year teacher, until you are one. I don't say that to complain (I expected teaching to be challenging.) but simply to say that I had not the slightest bit of time or energy to think about running.

As a result, I didn't get back to running like I thought I would when I first developed tendinitis. In fact, the Richmond Marathon was two weeks ago yesterday morning, and I wasn't there. I couldn't even run a 5K right now. I'm back at square one.

I haven't written about this before because, honestly, I was embarrassed. I wrote two blogposts about my determination to run this marathon, and here I am, at the beginning of December, not having done what I set out to do.

Does that make me a quitter? Does that make me lazy? Will people laugh at me? Was it foolish of me to think I could run a marathon in the first place? Was I just kidding myself? These are the questions that run through my mind.

But then I think about something that my friend Pamela said. She said to someone, in a group conversation, that I am a runner.

I am a runner because I run.

For some reason, her saying that affected me in a powerful way. It changed the way I thought about myself. Before then, I would never have called myself a runner because I would have felt like a poser. After she called me a runner, though, I was able to claim that as part of my identity - and be proud of it.

So now, starting to run again isn't about changing myself into what I want to be. It's about becoming who I already I am. Somehow, that's easier to manage. That challenge is imbued with hope.

The same is true in my relationship with God. I am a child of the Most High God, but I don't always live in the truth of that. I often stray. I'm often a quitter and am often lazy. I often fail simply because I am weak-willed and easily distracted by the world. And the longer I distance myself from God, the harder I have to work when I'm once again seeking to pursue intimacy with Him.

It's easy for me to be embarrassed about how weak and prone to failure I am. But running with endurance the race set out for me isn't about proving myself to God or to the people around me. God already knows exactly who I am. In Christ, I am His child. Living a righteous life isn't about impressing anyone or earning favor with God. It's about living in the fullness of my identity as His child.

What do runners do? They run. So I will train to become who I am.

What do God's children do? They love God with all of themselves. So I will fight to become who I am.

And if I fail, there is more grace. For, because of Christ, there is nothing that I can do that will change God's opinion of me. So,

                    "let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles. And let us
                    run with endurance the race marked out for us, fixing our eyes on Jesus, the author and 

                    perfecter of our faith, who, for the joy set before Him, endured the cross, scorning its 

                    shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. Consider Him who endured 

                    such opposition from sinners, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart." 

                    (Hebrews 12:1-3)

A Letter

I have this friend who's really struggling. Not just "Life is kind of hard right now" struggling, but "Is life even worth it?" struggling. Painful strife in the depths of the soul. I feel utterly helpless in knowing how to serve and uplift in the best way. So here's a letter to my friend, in an effort to encourage and point to Christ. I hope that, if you're in a hard place right now, God accomplishes the same for you.


Dear friend,

I should start out by admitting that I really don't know what to say. You've heard encouragement and words of love from so many people, why do I think my words will be what you need? There's no earthly reason why they should, so I'm relying on God to give me the right words and to touch and change your heart. If He's not in it, there's really no point. So here goes:

Friend, I know that you feel stuck. You feel like you're in a bog, your feet heavy and stuck in the mire of your own mistakes, stuck behind a boulder that blocks the path you're supposed to be walking. No matter how hard you try, you just can't manage to lift your feet above the filth and place them on solid ground. No matter how fiercely you struggle, you can't seem to get your head above the fog and find the clean, bright air above. Don't worry - God has made the ground level and has loosened the boulders of sin and idols. There's nothing in your way, and there's nothing to fear. When you feel stuck, you're not. Christ is your Rescuer, and He's always with you.

Friend, I know that you're weary of making the same mistakes. You think that when you fall, you let people down, that they're disappointed with you. You think they get tired of hearing you share your heart and your pain and your struggle. Believe me, they aren't. Your fighting gives them hope, and courage. Your failings and desire to change are powerful testaments to God's grace through the gospel of Christ. And when you share your struggle, instead of hiding away, it blesses all those who hear.

Friend, you think that when you fall, you let God down. Here's some news: God isn't surprised by any of your sin. He knew about it all before you were born, before you were created, before the world was created. And He still chose to create you. He made you, He loves you, and, because you're in Christ, He is totally pleased with you. He is genuinely delighted in you.

You know that feeling you get when you hold a baby? That feeling of "Oh my goodness. I love this baby! No matter what she does, I love her, just because she is who she is." That's how God feels about you. He gets excited about you. Even when you fail and feel ashamed in your failures, God loves you.

Friend, I know that you are ashamed of yourself. You feel that you should have it figured out by now. You've been in the struggle for so long, you should have learned your lesson and moved on by now. You're right. You should have. But there is grace for that. Yes, fight sin. But don't hold on to the guilt of past mistakes! It's over! God has forgiven you - you have no right to withhold forgiveness from yourself. Let go of shame and regrets - Christ has already carried the weight of them.

Friend, you need to realize that you are dearly loved. By many people. You may not believe it, but it's true, and you need those relationships (So stop running away from them!).

Ultimately, however, earthly relationships will never satisfy you or make you whole. The only relationship that can soul-satisfy and heart-heal is your relationship with Jesus. He is the Lover of your soul and the only Source of true delight. He is your refuge and your joy. Stop thinking about your failures and weaknesses! Think about Jesus - love Jesus - and He will transform you.

I'm praying for you,
me



For those of you who are still reading, I wrote that letter to myself.

I don't admit that to gain your pity or to cry out for help or any such thing. I wrote it because a battle I often face is the fight to remind myself of truth when my emotions (and Satan) are telling me entirely different things. And I share this with the internet world because I suspect that I am not the only one.

I want you to know that, Reader, if you're struggling, you're not alone. You're never alone. You're not a failure for struggling, and you're not weird or worthless for failing. You have been redeemed. You are no longer defined by your sin and weakness. You are defined by Christ.

So cling to the truth of God's love for you. Fix your eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of your faith. Take heart! For He began a good and beautiful work in you, and, whether or not you see it, He is continuing that work, and He will surely complete it.