Tuesday, July 15, 2014

Running the Race with Fear and Trembling

In the dim light of the morning, I'm pulled out of my dreams by the sound of my alarm clock. My hand fumbles onto my nightstand until I finally manage to grab my phone, half opening my eyes to locate and hit the snooze. I immediately close my eyes, snuggling deeper under my soft covers. In that moment, the image of my running clothes, laid out the night before, flashes across my mind. My shirt, shorts, socks, and shoes are all ready for me to go if I could just drag myself out of bed.

But that requires actual movement. And I know that running means putting one foot in front of the other until my legs feel like jelly and my lungs are burning and then going further and further. Going running means that everyone who passes me in his car can see my slow pace and my red face and just how out of shape I am.

How about I just go running tomorrow? Yeah, I'll just go running tomorrow. I roll over under my covers, quickly grabbing my phone and turning the alarm off rather than hitting the snooze again.

This is the struggle. Since I had to stop marathon-training last year and was thrown headlong into my first year of teaching, getting back into the habit of running has been an uphill battle. A battle which I have been losing, despite the fact that I know I'll love running again once I get back into it consistently.

I can't tell you what a discouragement this has been for me. While I had neither time nor energy to run regularly during my first year of teaching, I feel ashamed and embarrassed by how out of shape I am. I guess I expected more of myself. But the truth is that I'm a lot less disciplined and driven than I thought I was.

Now, when I go running, it's hard. It's uncomfortable. It's a steady argument between my body screaming at me to stop and my mind trying to convince me to keep going. Lately, I've approached and begun every run with at least some amount fear, and by the end, my legs are often trembling with exhaustion.

But the thing is, if I don't go through the discomfort and pain, I'll never make any progress. If I don't run when I don't love running, I'll never reach the point where I do love running again. If I don't fight the uphill battle, I'll never reach the hilltop.

Isn't that the way it is in our spiritual lives?

I often find myself discouraged that I'm not doing better, not victorious over idols, not filled with joy like I want to be, not in love with God like I want to be. I don't know about you, but for me, pursuing God is an uphill battle. This isn't because He is playing hard-to-get or something ridiculous like that. Not at all! God has always and continues to pursue me with His love day after day, and He pours grace and mercy on me in abundance. He fills me with strength and gives me rest. He gives me everything I need from day to day. He alone is worthy of all my love, adoration, and praise, and He is ever welcoming me into His presence. You would think that it would be easy for me to love Him with all of my life.

But my heart is so easily led astray, and killing my old, sinful self in order to pursue God is a lot like the difficulty of running. I know it's good for me, and I genuinely want to do it, and the reward is so great, but... it's not easy. It's uncomfortable and exhausting.

When I think about fighting the sin and idols in my life, I'm often afraid that I'll never find victory. I've been fighting these battles for so long - where's the proof that I can overcome them? When I'm in the middle of fighting temptation, I tremble with the difficulty of setting my mind on Christ rather than letting my mind dwell on sin.

In my life, in running but more so in seeking to pursue God, there is much fear and trembling. However, if I don't throw away my idols and pursue God, when will I ever find the closeness of fellowship with God that I desire? If I don't choose to fight the battle - fight with every ounce of energy that I have - how can I ever hope to win? If I don't actually run the race, no matter how difficult it is, how can I ever reach my goal?

"Therefore, my beloved, as you have always obeyed, so now, not only as in my presence but much more in my absence, work out your own salvation with fear and trembling, for it is God who works in you, both to will and to work for His good pleasure." -Philippians 2: 12-13

We work out our salvation with fear and trembling. We pursue God with fear and trembling.

The beauty of this is that it allows for our weakness and calls us to strength. It calls us to pursue Christ despite our weakness, for it is God, the mighty Creator and Sustainer, who works in and through us. We work as God works.

Think about that - we are called to live in bold obedience because of who God is and what Christ has done. We don't have to live in fear of our sin or of the difficulty of the battle. He who is in us is greater than he who is in the world; Christ has overcome our sin. We are to live in fear and awe of God. We are to tremble with humility and gratitude before the One who created the universe with the power of His voice and redeemed His people with His own blood.

When I fear and tremble because of my persistent failures and my overwhelming struggles, it's because I've forgotten who God is. When I live in awe of God and tremble with worship before Him, I can step boldly into the life to which He has called me - the life of destroying idols and racing wholeheartedly after Him.

So let us run with endurance the race set before us. For there is joy to be found in spending myself for Him, and with each step He draws me nearer to the glory that waits at the finish line.